


i am your empty sin

by mariathepenguin



Series: the weight of the world [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, I love costia, a lexa origin story, and so did lexa, lexa and anya friendship, lexa thinks that anya is the best human in the world
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-04-01 00:37:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13986699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariathepenguin/pseuds/mariathepenguin
Summary: “Again.”Lexa lunges forward, wrist smarting, and holds back a whimper as Anya drives the point of her staff into her arm, forcing her to retreat.“You slide your foot forward before you strike. Like this.” Anya moves almost faster than Lexa can see, tangling their staffs together and whipping Lexa’s out of her hand. Lexa scowls, and dives for Anya, ducking under her guard and tackling her waist.A Lexa origin story





	i am your empty sin

**Author's Note:**

> This is a companion piece to the other work in the series, told from Lexa's POV. The first chapter runs from Lexa's childhood up to Arkfall, so you don't have to have read the other work to understand it, but the second chapter will not make much sense if you haven't read the other work.

“Again.”

Lexa lunges forward, wrist smarting, and holds back a whimper as Anya drives the point of her staff into her arm, forcing her to retreat.

“You slide your foot forward before you strike. Do it like this.” Anya moves almost faster than Lexa can see, tangling their staffs together and whipping Lexa’s out of her hand. Lexa scowls and dives for Anya, ducking under her guard and tackling her waist.

Anya stumbles back for a moment before she finds her feet and digs her hands underneath Lexa’s. She does _something,_ and the next thing Lexa knows she is sprawled in the dirt, cheek against the ground and water from a puddle seeping into her shirt.

“Not so angry, _strikon_ ,” Anya says, corner of her mouth lifted up into a smile. She offers her hand, and Lexa hesitates for a second before taking it. Anya hauls her to her feet and inclines her head, and Lexa hurries to collect the staffs.

“I know,” she says, when they are safely balanced in her arms. “But it is so difficult. I don’t like to lose.”

Anya laughs. “I know.” They make their way out of the training area, Lexa trying to hide her limp from a hard rap to the ankle. “Anger is not a bad thing. It can make you strong. You surprised me, when you tackled me. But if you had thought through before attacking, you would have done something more than give me a hug.”

“I didn’t hug you,” Lexa protests. “I was fighting.” For a moment, she forgets that she’s walking with one of the best Trikru warriors alive, the former _seken_ of the current Commander, and glares. “I’m going to beat you, one day.”

Anya stares, and for a moment Lexa is afraid that Anya is going to be angry, that she may lose her interest in Lexa and tell her to stop coming to their private lessons, but Anya only laughs.

“Maybe one day. Not any day soon,” she says, and smiles, a real smile that makes Lexa grin.

“Lexa!” She turns - carefully, the sparring staffs are long, to see a tall figure running after them. “Stop!” She does, and waits until Costia catches her breath.

“Hei, Costia,” she says.

“I’ve been looking everywhere, Lexa,” Costia says. “Hei, Anya,” and Anya gives a sharp nod.

“I was training,” Lexa says, unnecessarily.

“Andreas told me,” Costia says. “I was in the kitchens and a new shipment of skyberries has just been delivered! They’re making pies out of them, and they said they would keep some back just for us. Would you come with me?” she asks.

“Um,” Lexa says.

Costia is still dressed in the dark blue tunic that the scribes wear, still neat even at the end of the day. Her curly hair is neatly pinned and braided back, and she looks neat and clean - cleaner than Lexa, who is dirty and sweaty, hair flying out of its tie and sticking to her face. She wishes Costia had come to find her after she had cleaned up for dinner.

“Lexa?”

“Yes,” she says. “I’ll meet you there. Let me put these away.” Costia beams.

“Don’t take too long,” she says, and goes back the way she came. Anya laughs, and Lexa feels her cheeks turn red under the dirt.

“Can we practice again tomorrow,” she asks, when they reach the small shed where the practice weapons are kept.

“If you’re not too sore,” Anya says, giving her a half-challenging look.

“No, she promises.

 *

Lexa creeps through the corridors, Costia at her heels, until they reach a little alcove near one of the barely-used rooms. As soon as they are tucked in, Lexa reaches under her shirt and pulls out the still-hot pies, wincing as they burn her hands.

“Ouch,” she says, and Costia holds out her hands for hers.

They eat in companionable silence, the sweetness of the pies more than making up for how hot they are. Costia had talked the cook into giving her the freshest ones, and he had given in, the way people tend to do around Costia. They had burned against Lexa’s stomach all the way here, but she had carried them anyway.

“So good,” Costia says, leaning back against the wall. “I was starting to think the harvest would never come in.” Lexa nods, feeling shy. It’s a strange feeling to have around Costia, whom she has known for years, and she takes an extra-large bite of her pie. It burns her mouth and she chokes, fighting not to spit it out in front of Costia.

“Natblidas do not burn their mouths on skyberry pie, _Leksa_ ,” Costia says, in an eerily good imitation of Titus, and Lexa smiles.

“They burn themselves on the fire of _victory_ ,” Lexa adds, deepening her voice, furrowing her brow for good measure, and Costia laughs, dark eyes flashing.

Costia is only two summers older than Lexa’s eleven, but sometimes she makes Lexa feel a child, like one of the little Natblidas who are not allowed to wander the Tower alone. So she talks to try to cover up the awkwardness. She hasn’t seen Costia in a few days, their duties keeping them apart, and she tells her about her training, and the news she heard in the markets. Costia tells her about the scribes, and the work she is doing.

“Anya says that I am almost ready to be a _seken_ ,” Lexa says. “I think she may pick me. I hope she does.”

“Not if your _gonasleng_ doesn’t improve,” Costia says. It’s one of the lessons they have together, and Costia takes particular pleasure in keeping ahead of Lexa.

“You’re only a little better than me,” Lexa says, smiling. “I will travel the world as a mighty warrior, and I will come back a hero.”

“Like Anya,” Costia says.

“Better,” Lexa says. “I will come back and tell you everything I’ve seen. In _gonasleng_ ,” she adds.

“And what will I be doing while you are off being a hero?” Costia asks.

“What do you want to do?”

“I will read every scroll we have in the library,” Costia says. “I will be the wisest. Even the mighty warriors will have to come to me for help.”

“And we will still be friends,” Lexa says.

“Always,” Costia replies, and Lexa looks down at her crumb-covered hands. She has dreamed of being a _seken_ since she knew what it meant, and the idea of having someone like Anya as her _fos_ fills her with joy. But warriors travel, and there are things she loves in Polis.

“I will miss you, when I go,” she says, peeking up.

“Me too,” Costia says.

“Costia!” the voice echoes down the corridor, and they scramble up. Costia’s aunt rounds the corner irritation on every line of her face. “Costia, I have been looking for you.”

“I was just…”

“I spoke to the kitchens, don’t bother. Hello, Lexa.”

“Hei, Kilari,” Lexa says quietly. Kilari is one of her favourite tutors, and she doesn’t want her to be angry with her.

“If you are done stealing from the kitchens, it is time to go home.” Kilari smiles despite her words, and brushes some crumbs from Costia’s face. “I will see you in lessons in class tomorrow.”

“Sha,” Lexa says. “Goodbye, Costia.”

*

The wood of the tattooing table is rough under her cheek, and she shifts, trying to get comfortable. The tattooist taps her arm.

“Still, _Heda_ ,” she says, and Lexa represses a reflexive shiver at the title. It’s only been a few hours since the Conclave and every muscle hurts, a deep, pulling ache that she didn’t have even when she went on campaigns with Anya. She closes her eyes and focuses on the sensation of the wood under her cheeks, the stinging pain of the needle moving down her spine.

“Lexa.” Her eyes pop open as Costia steps into the room. The tattooist pays her no mind, and she drags a stool close to Lexa’s head and sits. Her eyes rove over Lexa’s face, and a cool hand skims over Lexa’s, curled close to her chest.

“I won,” Lexa says. It comes out close to a whisper.

“I saw,” Costia says.

“I killed Andreas,” she says. “And Tomas.”

“I know,” Costia says, and she looks at Lexa without judgement, no blame for the fact the Lexa is the reason that the _Natblidas_ dormitory will be empty tonight.

“Tell me a story,” Lexa says.

“About what?”

“Anything.” Costia nods, and begins to speak, and Lexa lets the sound of her voice wash over her, carry away the pain of the needle and her muscles and the sharp sting of the Flame nestled in the back of her neck.

*

When the tattoos are done, Lexa walks to her new quarters, the Commander’s rooms, high in the tower and heavily guarded. Costia walks with her, quietly, and waits while Lexa pauses in front of the door.

She takes a breath, and pushes the door open. Inside is a huge room, easily the size of the Natblidas’ dormitories. It’s softly lit with candles on most surfaces, and there are couches and plush carpets spread out over the room. In a corner behind a screen, is a bathtub and small basin.

She’s never slept in a room like this. Her feet don’t quite want to carry her in, but there are guards

( _her_ guards)

waiting outside. She can’t afford to appear weak. So she steps in, and Costia follows and closes the door behind her.

The room is quiet, when the door is closed, almost like they aren’t in the city at all, and Lexa takes her time exploring it, touching the tables, rifling through the papers on her desk, inspecting the corners.

“It’s big,” Costia says. She’s sitting on the edge of the bed, running a hand through the furs.

“Too big,” Lexa says.

“You’ll get used to it,” Costia says.

There is a mirror near the basin. The lights are too dim to see her face clearly, but she thinks she looks earlier than she did that morning.

Almost all of her friends are dead, and she is sixteen summers old, and she is the Commander. She is a link in the chain that tethers the flame to the earth.

“I guess I will,” she says. Costia is still looking at her, eyes dark, gentle. She fits in the room, more than Lexa does.

“Can I stay?” she asks. Lexa swallows.

“Yes,” she says. 

*

“It’s a good idea,” Costia says. “I am not sure how practical it is, but it’s a good idea.”

Lexa frowns. “Don’t patronise me.”

“That’s not what I’m doing,” Costia says. She climbs out of the stream and stretches out beside Lexa, water droplets gleaming on her skin. Lexa stares.

“We already have an informal alliance with the Boat People and the Shadow Valley Clan,” Lexa says, after a moment. “And truces with Rock Line and Blue Cliff. Imagine what it would be like,” she says, “to travel all the way from our territory to the Plain Riders without having to worry about hiding your accent, or your clothing. Imagine all the people who would be alive right now, farming or trading or hunting if we didn’t have all of this war.”

“You are a warrior, Lexa,” Costia says. “What is a warrior without war?”

“I don't know,” Lexa says. “But I want to find out.”

* 

She starts with her allies, the Shadow Valley Clan and the Boat People. She carries salt fish tributes to the Boat People and uses dye to cover her skin in the markings of the Shadow Valley People, and meets them deep in their territory.

“You see,” she says, “we are the same.” She sweetens the deal with promises of trade and protection, leaving behind Trikru warriors to protect their borders. Blue Cliff and Rock Line follow, when promised autonomy within their borders and free access to the rivers and streams in the Woods Clan territory.

She sends Anya to the Desert Clan. They respect bravery, and Anya had earned their respect on a campaign long ago, when she stole into their camp and took their leader's best sword. Anya had gone happily, pleased at the prospect of a little bloodshed.

She meets with Terren, a General of the Glowing Forest people, in his home. It is lit inside with a kind of plant that glows a gentle green and she cannot stop staring. He is polite but uninterested, and Lexa is careful not to drink anything that he does not drink first.

“My legacy will be peace,” she says, and he nods, and declines to support her cause to the leader until the summer brings a poor harvest, and the Blue Cliff and Rock Line Clans refuse to trade with Glowing Forest. Lexa receives reports of starvation and illness before Terren appears in her audience room and pledges Glowing Forest’s allegiance to the cause.

The Plains Riders resist. They send back emissaries unhurt, but stripped of all their possessions other than the clothes they wear. They expel all Woods Clan from their borders and defend their borders fiercely. They seem prepared to last indefinitely, until a series of attacks led by bandits from the western, unmapped, end of their borders. The bandits burn their crops and poison their water, and Lexa ensures that the members of her Coalition charge extortionate prices for all supplies sold to the Plains Riders. The clans are happy to oblige, glad for some easy money, and the Plains Riders acquiesce.

(when Anya returns from Plains Rider territory, exhausted and full of complaints about the difficulty of mimicking the “barbaric” and “smelly” bandits from the West, Lexa only smiles and angles her wrist to show her an old training scar. She’s fairly sure that Anya would have dragged her outside for another duel if she hadn’t been in the Commander’s chair, surrounded by guests and subjects.)

And on, and on, until only the Lake People and the Ice Nation remain.

*

“Nia will never give in,” Lexa says.

“True.” Costia peers at her over a scroll that she is copying carefully. “We knew that already.”

“We can’t starve her out,” Lexa says. “We will sustain heavy losses in a battle, and we will most likely lose. Her people are fierce.”

“And afraid,” Costia says. “And hungry, and desperate.”

“They won’t revolt,” Lexa says.

“No,” Costia says. “She inspires too much fear. But,” she says, and waits until Lexa looks up from where she had nestled her head on her arms, taking a rare moment to wallow, “They can probably be induced away.”

Lexa stares, then smiles. “You are so smart, Costia,” she says, and Costia smiles back, almost shy.

“I told you,” she says. “Head of the Council, one day.”  


*

She sends riders to all corners of her territory, announcing that all members of the Ice Nation Clan are welcome onto Coalition territory, that Lexa will assist them in settling down on land in each of the Clans. She sends emissaries who speak the Ice Nation tongue to all the border villages, and trading posts, and makes sure that her warriors are kind to the little children and the elders they meet on their way.

She sends them out, and nothing happens for a month.

Another month, and the inhabitants of a small village appear at a trading post.

Another month, and there is a steady trickle of Ice Nation Clan members, elders and children and strong warriors and farmers, thin and determined, possessions on their back and strapped to equally thin animals.

Lexa spends the month after that settling them into her land, forcing the other Clans to keep their promise to take them in, making sure that warriors are sent far from each other to minimise the chances of a coordinated attack.

She ignores the first message from Nia and sends back a simple message with the second, inviting Nia to appear and make an oath of allegiance in Polis.

The people keep coming. Not a great number in terms of the total population, but embarrassing, and dangerous. Each Clan member knows something about the land, or the warriors, or the people, and all together, Nia has a catastrophic amount of intelligence walking its way out of her territory.

Five months in, over two thousand people have left Nia’s territory. It has been almost two summers since she started to form her Coalition, and Lexa is happy. She is going to win this.

*

When Costia does not appear in their bed the first night, Lexa does not think much of it. Costia leads a busy life, and so does Lexa, and the moments they have together are sometimes few and far between.

When Costia does not appear at all the next morning, Lexa feels the first cold finger of fear touch her spine.

A lock of tightly curled hair appears in her audience room the next day, and she knows that Nia has taken her.

“It may be someone else,” Anya says, standing over her in her chair, but back bowed, the lock of hair clutched between her fingers, Lexa knows.

She questions everyone that Costia has ever worked with, retraces her steps over and over again, and doesn’t allow her guards any sleep, sending them out again and again to search for her. She offers a reward for any information that may lead to Costia.

And one evening, a brown ear appears in an ornate box, tucked away in a corner near the library. And then a finger, and then a strip of skin and Lexa can feel her sanity fraying at the edges. Sleep becomes a memory, and more than once she finds herself heading to one of the temporary Ice Nation settlements that she had set up, ready to hurt until someone gives her the answers she needs.

And then one evening, she enters her room to find Costia’s head on their bed, the furs stained red. Costia’s mouth is open as if she was screaming when she died.

The world takes on a soft, hazy quality in that moment, reality slipping away and coming back with nauseating sharpness. She knows she must have called for help, because there is noise and movement in the room, and she knows that she must have moved, because she is soon in a smaller room, but she feels slow, struck dumb by the truth that everyone knew was coming.

Costia is dead, she thinks, and she doesn’t realise that she said it out loud until Anya stops stroking her hair. She hadn’t even known she was there.

She’s in Anya’s room, she realises. The bed smells like her, like the times they shared a tent when she was a _seken_. When Costia was in Polis, and her heart hurts so much that Lexa closes her eyes and waits to die.

“We’ll find them,” Anya says. “We’ll kill them all.”

* 

Anya wakes her the next day to tell her that Roan, Nia’s son, has appeared to ask for an audience.

“He’s locked in the dungeons,” Anya says. “Awaiting judgement.”

Lexa takes stock of herself, and takes a breath.

“Let him out,” she says.

* 

Roan is oily and insincere, and is well aware of the danger he is in. He flatters her, and avoids mention of Costia, and ignores the guards standing less than a foot from his back.

“The Kwin is ready to discuss terms,” he says. “If you are amenable.”

“I am,” Lexa says, the first Commander whispering in her mind,

 _Be strong_ , she says, like Lexa has ever been anything but.

*

“The Ice Nation offers their sincere sympathies for your loss,” Nia says, and Lexa looks at her, and hears Costia screaming.

“Noted,” she says, voice steady.

“The Ice Nation is willing to join your Coalition, Heda, if you can guarantee safety for all of our people. Forgiveness, for past… indiscretions. Painful as they may be.” Nia smiles like those sharp-toothed monsters that live in the mirrors, and her eyes challenge Lexa. _Arrest me_ , they say. _Charge me. Send my people back_.

Reality threatens to slip away from her again, but she digs her fingernails into the skin of her palms, out of sight of the onlookers in her audience room. “Such is war,” she says.

*

Her legs give out as soon as the door to their - her - room closes. She can’t stay away any longer, can’t appear weak to her newly-formed Coalition, but her knees refuse to support her and she falls to the floor, taken down like prey with an arrow to the heart. She stays in that position, forehead pressed to the floor, legs folded under her, until a warm hand lands on her back.

There is a keening wail in the room, she notes distantly, and she doesn’t realise that it’s coming from her until Anya’s hand slips into her hair.

“I can’t,” she sobs, chest cracking open. She presses her hands against her sternum as if to hold herself together. “I can’t, I can’t do it.”

She is laid low, brought down by what Nia has done to her. “Anya, please,” she says, not sure what she is begging for, and Anya hauls her up, forces her into a kneeling position.

“I killed her,” Lexa says. “Oh, Flame, I _killed_ her,” and Anya holds her steady.

“Nia killed her,” Anya says. “And your people are safe. You can change only one of those facts, _Heda_.”

“It’s my fault,” she says.

“It is not,” Anya says. She drags Lexa to her feet, strong as ever, and Lexa only resists when Anya tries to move her to the bed.

“No,” she says, and Anya opts for a couch instead, depositing Lexa in one corner and sitting in the other.

“Close your eyes,” Anya says. “It will all be here tomorrow.”

*

And Lexa rules. Her people love her, and her Ambassadors fear her, and her Coalition holds, against all odds, for three more summers.

And one day she receives reports of a missile, sent from the Sky.

**Author's Note:**

> Trigedasleng translations:
> 
> Gonasleng - English  
> Seken - Second  
> Fos - First  
> Strikon - young/little one  
> Kwin - Queen  
> Sha - Yes
> 
>  
> 
> The map of the Clans that I used to write this: http://vignette99.wikia.nocookie.net/thehundred/images/1/19/The_100_land.png/revision/latest?cb=20160401163327 
> 
> Let me know what you think!


End file.
